Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Street Preacher's Doomsday Sign blamed for rash of heart attacks

(Dayton, OH) A sign reading "The End is Nigh" was confiscated and its homeless owner arrested yesterday after heart attacks caused four people to collapse on the corners of East Monument Avenue and Main Street in Dayton.

"I read the sign and thought 'Oh my God, what if he's right?'" said Trish MacLean, speaking from her hospital bed at the St. Elizabeth's Medical Center. "I absolutely panicked. I was convinced the world was ending."

MacLean is reported to be in stable condition, but three other victims were not so lucky. Herbert Fraser, Desmond Crane and Malak Chang, all of Dayton, succumbed to cardiac failure shortly after collapsing on the same corner. Chang, the fourth victim, told paramedics on the scene that reading the sign had caused him to experience 'extreme terror' shortly before his collapse.

Dayton police say the sign was confiscated and its owner, a street preacher known merely as Righteous Joe, has been detained and questioned. "It's a perfectly ordinary sandwich board and he's been carrying it around for years," she said. "However, we have sent the sandwich board to the Centers for Disease Control and we will be attempting to ascertain Righteous Joe's identity before releasing him."

Asked if the rash of heart attacks could be in any way linked to the sign or its owner, spokesperson added, "It is far more likely that this is either a coincidence or perhaps an example of mass hysteria."

Friday, June 12, 2009

Hundreds of ducks appeared "from nowhere"

The late appearance of a large flock of gray ducks with no wildlife tags or previous known history in Point Barrow, Alaska, has wildlife officials and biologists puzzled... especially now that preliminary studies show the ducks have remarkable genetic similarities among the all-female flock.

Anonymous sources claim that a number of the ducks, whose blood was sampled as part of a wider study, may have the same DNA--that they may be clones, in other words.

Wildlife and Agriculture officials have declined to offer comment or speculate as to the flock's origins, but an ornithologist at the University of Alaska in Fairbanks suggests that the birds may have escaped or been released from a cloning lab in the Pacific Northwest. "The first sightings of this flock took place in the Vancouver, Washington area; they were headed south from somewhere in Oregon or California."

The sources went on to claim that two animal-rights organizations in Oregon have attempted to claim responsibility for the release, but neither has been able to specify where the birds originated.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Lethewood to give preliminary statement

After almost three months in custody, Astrid Lethewood, one of the survivors of this summer's mystical outbreak in Oregon, has consented to give authorities a statement about the events preceding the hostage crisis at her Indigo Springs home earlier this year.

Rumors have abounded as to whether Lethewood has been suffering from some form of trauma-induced mental illness or if she has been deliberately withholding information about cult leader Sahara Knax, the self-proclaimed goddess and founder of the eco-terrorist Alchemite movement who triggered the mystical outbreak during the hostage crisis. It is hoped that Lethewood's cooperation will bring answers to some of the questions about Knax's magical abilities and the ongoing mutation of plants and wildlife in the Hell's Gate area of Oregon.