Bend, OR--Fifty tons of mystically contaminated grapes that were slated for incineration have disappeared from Volcano Vineyards Winery in Bend.
The grapes were taken from a locked cellar late Saturday night. No staff or security were injured in the incident, but one Volcano winemaker is known to be missing, fueling rumors that the grapes were hijacked as part of an attempt to make mystically contaminated vintages of wine.
Multiple sightings of women matching the descriptions of fugitive Sahara Knax and an associate known only Passion were reported in the Bend area in the days before the theft.
Sahara Knax was involved in the original outbreak of mystical energy in the town of Indigo Springs and is now described as being "profoundly" contaminated, with birdlike characteristics including a beak, pinfeathers and growths on her back (which have been described by witnesses as "winglike.") Like other victims of the mystical outbreak, Knax is thought to be also suffering from delusions, and has convinced an unknown number of Americans that she may be a goddess, a living embodiment of the spirit of the Earth. Blog posts and online communities have variously hailed her as "the first prophet of the Millennium," "An Avenging Angel of the Ecological Movement," and an eco-terrorist. Her followers, some of whom refer to themselves as Alchemites, say that the working magic is a holy act, and is the key to reversing global climate change.
In the meantime, Oregon winemakers south and west of the town of Indigo Springs have suffered millions of dollars of damage to their vineyards. Windborne contamination has caused some vines to grow rapidly and necessitated the burning of acres of arable land, while alchemically contaminated bears have destroyed much of the healthy crops remaining on the vine.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Mystical contamination spreads...
Sixteen people were apprehended by health officials this morning and put in quarantine after they tested positive for mystical contamination, say anonymous sources within the CDC.
The individuals, mostly residents of Indigo Springs, Oregon, were not evacuated with the majority of the townspeople. Most had escaped in the confusion after the original mystical outbreak, and were staying with relatives and friends near the contaminated zone.
Indigo Springs was evacuated on August 31st after a so-called "magical event" caused a series of earthquakes centered in the small town. The quakes occurred as police were negotiating a hostage crisis in a local home. Following the quakes, the trees and other plant life surrounding the beseiged home grew to giant size. Animals and insects, also enlarged, attacked police and National Guard troops who were on-scene trying to resolve the crisis.
Some analysts have likened the events in Indigo Springs to a magical equivalent of the 1986 Cherynobyl disaster. As in 1986, the town and surrounding area have been fully evacuated and the area has been closed to human habitation for the foreseeable future. However, dozens of people from the town are still missing. They are presumed to be either dead, contaminated, or trapped within the overgrown forest surrounding the former town.
The CDC is asking Americans to report any suspicious behavior or possible contamination among their friends and loved ones. Victims of mystical contamination are said to behave in a disordered, delusional fashion and may present with physical changes as well, most notably fur, horns, and claws. One such victim, Sahara Knax of Boston, Massachusetts, has claimed responsibility for the outbreak, and says that similar accidents will occur if human society does not move to a carbon-neutral footing immediately.
Knax remains at large, and is considered extremely dangerous.
The individuals, mostly residents of Indigo Springs, Oregon, were not evacuated with the majority of the townspeople. Most had escaped in the confusion after the original mystical outbreak, and were staying with relatives and friends near the contaminated zone.
Indigo Springs was evacuated on August 31st after a so-called "magical event" caused a series of earthquakes centered in the small town. The quakes occurred as police were negotiating a hostage crisis in a local home. Following the quakes, the trees and other plant life surrounding the beseiged home grew to giant size. Animals and insects, also enlarged, attacked police and National Guard troops who were on-scene trying to resolve the crisis.
Some analysts have likened the events in Indigo Springs to a magical equivalent of the 1986 Cherynobyl disaster. As in 1986, the town and surrounding area have been fully evacuated and the area has been closed to human habitation for the foreseeable future. However, dozens of people from the town are still missing. They are presumed to be either dead, contaminated, or trapped within the overgrown forest surrounding the former town.
The CDC is asking Americans to report any suspicious behavior or possible contamination among their friends and loved ones. Victims of mystical contamination are said to behave in a disordered, delusional fashion and may present with physical changes as well, most notably fur, horns, and claws. One such victim, Sahara Knax of Boston, Massachusetts, has claimed responsibility for the outbreak, and says that similar accidents will occur if human society does not move to a carbon-neutral footing immediately.
Knax remains at large, and is considered extremely dangerous.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Fishermen fight off "monster" in Puget Sound
The six-person crew of the Pass-Me-By sailed to the rescue yesterday after a mystically contaminated monster capsized a speedboat in Puget Sound.
"It looked a little like a seal to me," said Freddie Singh, skipper of the the Pass-Me-By, a small fishing boat. "It had two heads and it had to be at least twenty feet long, but the shape of its body and the color of its fur . . . it was like a seal in a lot of ways."
Singh's crew bravely put their own boat between the creature and the speedboat, protecting newlyweds Thomas and Sarah Ward. Singh had a shotgun and a pistol aboard and the Pass-Me-By crew shot the monster several times.
"It disappeared underwater and we hauled the Wards aboard. Then we got out of there fast."
The body of the seal-like creature was found early the next morning, near Seattle, and quarantined by officials from the U.S. Navy. Anonymous sources indicate the corpse was on the beach for several hours, however, and may have contaminated a significant number of gulls, crabs and other coastal life.
Puget Sound has been hard hit by the alchemical contamination which spread west from Indigo Springs, Oregon in the past week and sightings of this particular monster had been reported several times since Monday .
"It looked a little like a seal to me," said Freddie Singh, skipper of the the Pass-Me-By, a small fishing boat. "It had two heads and it had to be at least twenty feet long, but the shape of its body and the color of its fur . . . it was like a seal in a lot of ways."
Singh's crew bravely put their own boat between the creature and the speedboat, protecting newlyweds Thomas and Sarah Ward. Singh had a shotgun and a pistol aboard and the Pass-Me-By crew shot the monster several times.
"It disappeared underwater and we hauled the Wards aboard. Then we got out of there fast."
The body of the seal-like creature was found early the next morning, near Seattle, and quarantined by officials from the U.S. Navy. Anonymous sources indicate the corpse was on the beach for several hours, however, and may have contaminated a significant number of gulls, crabs and other coastal life.
Puget Sound has been hard hit by the alchemical contamination which spread west from Indigo Springs, Oregon in the past week and sightings of this particular monster had been reported several times since Monday .
Friday, August 14, 2009
"Hailstones looked like skulls," say witnesses
(Valier, MO) Citizens of a small Montana community phoned the Pondera County Sheriff's office, contacted radio talk show hosts and posted creepy images online after a hailstorm yesterday, all reporting that some of the balls of ice which struck their homes, cars and crops were shaped like skulls.
"There were human and animal skulls in the mix," reported the popular blogger Grist, who suffered a concussion when a hailstone punched through the umbrella he was using to shelter himself while photographing one of the alleged 'skulls,' which he described as having the features of a small mammal, like a squirrel or muskrat.
The Pondera County sheriff's department reported similar complaints by a number of citizens, some of whom posted digital photographs of the 'skulls' online, in blogs and on other websites.
Witnesses to the bizarre event reported that the skull-shaped hailstones were hollow and melted quickly, but a few witnesses transferred the peculiar hailstones to their freezers. They have called for the National Weather Service to conduct an investigation into the event.
"There were human and animal skulls in the mix," reported the popular blogger Grist, who suffered a concussion when a hailstone punched through the umbrella he was using to shelter himself while photographing one of the alleged 'skulls,' which he described as having the features of a small mammal, like a squirrel or muskrat.
The Pondera County sheriff's department reported similar complaints by a number of citizens, some of whom posted digital photographs of the 'skulls' online, in blogs and on other websites.
Witnesses to the bizarre event reported that the skull-shaped hailstones were hollow and melted quickly, but a few witnesses transferred the peculiar hailstones to their freezers. They have called for the National Weather Service to conduct an investigation into the event.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Serial killer has 'change of heart,' surrenders to police
(Logan, UT) A serial killer who murdered four women over the past two years in the Logan area has surrendered to police.
"Jason Mitchell Burnett has confessed to the so-called Daycare killings and is cooperating fully with our investigation," confirmed Detective Kim Stanley today in a standing-room only news conference. "He knows details of the crimes that have not been released to the public--we are
one hundred percent certain it's him."
Sources within the police department say that Burnett has also disclosed the location of his final victim, Leticia Armington.
Burnett's victims were single mothers, all of whom disappeared on their way to pick up children from daycare. The body of the first victim, Susan Bikstra, was found in her apartment in May of 2008. Amita Syed and Jodie-Lynn Hawke were left inside their cars, which were driven to
remote areas and abandoned.
Asked to speculate as to why Burnett surrendered, Detective Stanley said, "The only explanation he's offered is that he woke up this morning feeling unsupportable guilt over his acts of violence."
"Jason Mitchell Burnett has confessed to the so-called Daycare killings and is cooperating fully with our investigation," confirmed Detective Kim Stanley today in a standing-room only news conference. "He knows details of the crimes that have not been released to the public--we are
one hundred percent certain it's him."
Sources within the police department say that Burnett has also disclosed the location of his final victim, Leticia Armington.
Burnett's victims were single mothers, all of whom disappeared on their way to pick up children from daycare. The body of the first victim, Susan Bikstra, was found in her apartment in May of 2008. Amita Syed and Jodie-Lynn Hawke were left inside their cars, which were driven to
remote areas and abandoned.
Asked to speculate as to why Burnett surrendered, Detective Stanley said, "The only explanation he's offered is that he woke up this morning feeling unsupportable guilt over his acts of violence."
Monday, July 20, 2009
Platinum eggshells a work of art?
(Vancouver, BC) Officials at Canada Place are mystified by the discovery of a number of metallic 'eggshells' in what looks like an ordinary seagull's nest.
"We come upon nests from time to time and there are bits of shell in them, but the weird thing is, these are metal," said Eli Sycazlyk, one of the convention center's maintenance workers. "I thought they were silver at first but they had them examined by a jeweler and apparently they're platinum."
Sycazlyk thinks the shells may be part of an art installation, perhaps as a tie-in to the upcoming Winter Olympics in 2010.
"We come upon nests from time to time and there are bits of shell in them, but the weird thing is, these are metal," said Eli Sycazlyk, one of the convention center's maintenance workers. "I thought they were silver at first but they had them examined by a jeweler and apparently they're platinum."
Sycazlyk thinks the shells may be part of an art installation, perhaps as a tie-in to the upcoming Winter Olympics in 2010.
Monday, July 6, 2009
King of the Cats myth found misprinted in textbooks across America
Teachers and publishers alike have been baffled by a mysterious misprint found in textbooks arriving in schools across the country.
"Page seventeen of our new Western History text has been replaced with a two-page story about a dead cat," says Irma Janzen, principal of the Westchester County High in Boston. "By itself, that might not be so strange, but we have a new math book from a completely different publisher, and the story appears there too, also on page seventeen." Janzen is just one of hundreds of school administrators who have called in staff from summer vacation to open and examine new texts before classes begin in September. To date, over twenty books in a variety of subjects have been affected.
William Beale, Vice President of Marketing for InStep Publishing, who published three of the tampered books, is convinced the misprint is the work of computer hackers. "This is going to turn out to be high school or maybe college students pulling a sophisticated prank. Unfortunately, it is also a serious crime. As publishers, we are obligated to recall and replace the altered books. The cost of this high-tech vandalism could run in the millions."
When asked why students would choose an obscure myth like King of the Cats as opposed to something political or perhaps pornographic, Beale said, "Who knows?"
"Page seventeen of our new Western History text has been replaced with a two-page story about a dead cat," says Irma Janzen, principal of the Westchester County High in Boston. "By itself, that might not be so strange, but we have a new math book from a completely different publisher, and the story appears there too, also on page seventeen." Janzen is just one of hundreds of school administrators who have called in staff from summer vacation to open and examine new texts before classes begin in September. To date, over twenty books in a variety of subjects have been affected.
William Beale, Vice President of Marketing for InStep Publishing, who published three of the tampered books, is convinced the misprint is the work of computer hackers. "This is going to turn out to be high school or maybe college students pulling a sophisticated prank. Unfortunately, it is also a serious crime. As publishers, we are obligated to recall and replace the altered books. The cost of this high-tech vandalism could run in the millions."
When asked why students would choose an obscure myth like King of the Cats as opposed to something political or perhaps pornographic, Beale said, "Who knows?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
