Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Since Sahara Knax was captured in a failed attack on a military base in Northwestern Oregon, a series of mysterious technical glitches have prevented me from posting to this blog. I'm back now, and here's a few of the news stories I'm tracking as the mystical outbreak continues--

  • In the weeks since Knax's arrest, there have been several major clashes between Alchemites, various police forces, the National Guard, and the actual Army. The skirmishes have taken place across the country. A half-dozen Alchemites have been captured in these clashes; over thirty police officers and soldiers are rumored to be MIA, but the government has declined to confirm this.
  • Those same missing soldiers, it is rumored, have turned up in the dreams of their friends and loved ones, apparently safe and sound. (No official confirmation on that either, but the phenomenon's pretty widespread.)
  • In the absence of Sahara Knax, the leader of the Alchemites still at large seems to be a woman known as Passion. Little is known about Passion, but a two million dollar reward for information leading to her arrest has nevertheless been posted.
  • As even the mainstream media has reported, the mystical contamination in Oregon has spread radically, and three more towns in the Indigo Springs / Great Blue Reservoir region have been evacuated.
  • The mystical celebrity known as Patience has not been seen since Sahara Knax was arrested. It has been rumored that Patience may have left government custody, and that perhaps Astrid Lethewood has escaped, too. Again, nobody in a position of authority seems willing to confirm or deny this.
  • What the government is willing to tell us is that Sahara Knax will be facing charges of terrorism, assault and treason in Federal Court as soon as a facility can be secured in which to hold a trial.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Signal lost...

Followers of this blog will note it hasn't been active for a few weeks--ever since the Alchemites sank that aircraft carrier a month ago, I've had a host of problems logging on and posting. Alchemite interference? Government tampering? Nobody wants to be paranoid, but those of us trying to cover the mystical outbreak do seem to be having a lot of computer problems lately.

I'm hoping to resume full coverage shortly; in the meantime, here's a contest for you all.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Mystical outbreak changes the weather?

A cold snap and storm in the Midwest may have been triggered by the largest clash to date between authorities and followers sheltering fugitive Sahara Knax.

The Alchemites, as they call themselves, were apparently ransacking the home of a Huron, South Dakota resident when representatives of a new anti-mystical task force arrived on scene to take Knax into custody.

Video shot by the homeowner shows Knax emerging from the house with an object in hand--from all appearances, a child's hobby horse--while reciting gibberish. Moments later, portions of the equipment carried by task force members, including their weapons and restraints, appears to fall apart in segments.

The video also shows fog pooling around Knax and her followers and moving outward from them at increasing speed before it ends abruptly.

Metal objects in a five mile radius around the scene have been sliced to pieces and freezing temperatures are being reported in the Huron area. A serious and unexpected windstorm is raging in the region.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Police injured in clash with Alchemites

(DENVER) Three police officers were rushed to hospital after an attempt to arrest eco-terrorist Sahara Knax at a local casino went awry late last night.

Sources at St. Anthony Central Hospital say that the officers were not shot and are not suffering from mystical contamination. Instead, their condition has been likened to a severe form of either clinical exhaustion or, perhaps, exposure.

The Denver Police Department has yet to make an official statement about the incident, or to respond to critics who state that too few officers were sent to investigate the sighting by a casino blackjack dealer. However, law enforcement officials have been saying for weeks that sightings of Knax have become so routine across both the United States and Canada that few police departments have resources available to respond in force to every sighting.

"Knax was thought to be in the Southern U.S., possibly Georgia, this week," said Mary Freiling. Freiling--along with other self-appointed 'mystic watchers'--decode blog entries and Twitter feeds posted by suspected followers of Knax. "Nobody knew the Alchemites were in Colorado. So many people have cried 'wolf' with regard to seeing her that the police couldn't have expected this call, of all the calls they've had, to be the real thing."

Freiling also pointed to anecdotal reports of other Alchemite enemies falling ill of exposure or exhaustion in the wake of magical events. "The general theory is that they are vamping the life energy out of their victims to power the magic that's destroying the property of these corporate targets."

The injured police officers' names have not been released to the public and their condition is unknown. The Denver Police Department is expected to make a statement about the alleged clash tomorrow morning.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Knax, followers, suspected in Oregon Grape Theft

Bend, OR--Fifty tons of mystically contaminated grapes that were slated for incineration have disappeared from Volcano Vineyards Winery in Bend.

The grapes were taken from a locked cellar late Saturday night. No staff or security were injured in the incident, but one Volcano winemaker is known to be missing, fueling rumors that the grapes were hijacked as part of an attempt to make mystically contaminated vintages of wine.

Multiple sightings of women matching the descriptions of fugitive Sahara Knax and an associate known only Passion were reported in the Bend area in the days before the theft.

Sahara Knax was involved in the original outbreak of mystical energy in the town of Indigo Springs and is now described as being "profoundly" contaminated, with birdlike characteristics including a beak, pinfeathers and growths on her back (which have been described by witnesses as "winglike.") Like other victims of the mystical outbreak, Knax is thought to be also suffering from delusions, and has convinced an unknown number of Americans that she may be a goddess, a living embodiment of the spirit of the Earth. Blog posts and online communities have variously hailed her as "the first prophet of the Millennium," "An Avenging Angel of the Ecological Movement," and an eco-terrorist. Her followers, some of whom refer to themselves as Alchemites, say that the working magic is a holy act, and is the key to reversing global climate change.

In the meantime, Oregon winemakers south and west of the town of Indigo Springs have suffered millions of dollars of damage to their vineyards. Windborne contamination has caused some vines to grow rapidly and necessitated the burning of acres of arable land, while alchemically contaminated bears have destroyed much of the healthy crops remaining on the vine.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Mystical contamination spreads...

Sixteen people were apprehended by health officials this morning and put in quarantine after they tested positive for mystical contamination, say anonymous sources within the CDC.

The individuals, mostly residents of Indigo Springs, Oregon, were not evacuated with the majority of the townspeople. Most had escaped in the confusion after the original mystical outbreak, and were staying with relatives and friends near the contaminated zone.

Indigo Springs was evacuated on August 31st after a so-called "magical event" caused a series of earthquakes centered in the small town. The quakes occurred as police were negotiating a hostage crisis in a local home. Following the quakes, the trees and other plant life surrounding the beseiged home grew to giant size. Animals and insects, also enlarged, attacked police and National Guard troops who were on-scene trying to resolve the crisis.

Some analysts have likened the events in Indigo Springs to a magical equivalent of the 1986 Cherynobyl disaster. As in 1986, the town and surrounding area have been fully evacuated and the area has been closed to human habitation for the foreseeable future. However, dozens of people from the town are still missing. They are presumed to be either dead, contaminated, or trapped within the overgrown forest surrounding the former town.

The CDC is asking Americans to report any suspicious behavior or possible contamination among their friends and loved ones. Victims of mystical contamination are said to behave in a disordered, delusional fashion and may present with physical changes as well, most notably fur, horns, and claws. One such victim, Sahara Knax of Boston, Massachusetts, has claimed responsibility for the outbreak, and says that similar accidents will occur if human society does not move to a carbon-neutral footing immediately.

Knax remains at large, and is considered extremely dangerous.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Fishermen fight off "monster" in Puget Sound

The six-person crew of the Pass-Me-By sailed to the rescue yesterday after a mystically contaminated monster capsized a speedboat in Puget Sound.

"It looked a little like a seal to me," said Freddie Singh, skipper of the the Pass-Me-By, a small fishing boat. "It had two heads and it had to be at least twenty feet long, but the shape of its body and the color of its fur . . . it was like a seal in a lot of ways."

Singh's crew bravely put their own boat between the creature and the speedboat, protecting newlyweds Thomas and Sarah Ward. Singh had a shotgun and a pistol aboard and the Pass-Me-By crew shot the monster several times.

"It disappeared underwater and we hauled the Wards aboard. Then we got out of there fast."

The body of the seal-like creature was found early the next morning, near Seattle, and quarantined by officials from the U.S. Navy. Anonymous sources indicate the corpse was on the beach for several hours, however, and may have contaminated a significant number of gulls, crabs and other coastal life.

Puget Sound has been hard hit by the alchemical contamination which spread west from Indigo Springs, Oregon in the past week and sightings of this particular monster had been reported several times since Monday .

Friday, August 14, 2009

"Hailstones looked like skulls," say witnesses

(Valier, MO) Citizens of a small Montana community phoned the Pondera County Sheriff's office, contacted radio talk show hosts and posted creepy images online after a hailstorm yesterday, all reporting that some of the balls of ice which struck their homes, cars and crops were shaped like skulls.

"There were human and animal skulls in the mix," reported the popular blogger Grist, who suffered a concussion when a hailstone punched through the umbrella he was using to shelter himself while photographing one of the alleged 'skulls,' which he described as having the features of a small mammal, like a squirrel or muskrat.

The Pondera County sheriff's department reported similar complaints by a number of citizens, some of whom posted digital photographs of the 'skulls' online, in blogs and on other websites.

Witnesses to the bizarre event reported that the skull-shaped hailstones were hollow and melted quickly, but a few witnesses transferred the peculiar hailstones to their freezers. They have called for the National Weather Service to conduct an investigation into the event.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Serial killer has 'change of heart,' surrenders to police

(Logan, UT) A serial killer who murdered four women over the past two years in the Logan area has surrendered to police.

"Jason Mitchell Burnett has confessed to the so-called Daycare killings and is cooperating fully with our investigation," confirmed Detective Kim Stanley today in a standing-room only news conference. "He knows details of the crimes that have not been released to the public--we are
one hundred percent certain it's him."

Sources within the police department say that Burnett has also disclosed the location of his final victim, Leticia Armington.

Burnett's victims were single mothers, all of whom disappeared on their way to pick up children from daycare. The body of the first victim, Susan Bikstra, was found in her apartment in May of 2008. Amita Syed and Jodie-Lynn Hawke were left inside their cars, which were driven to
remote areas and abandoned.

Asked to speculate as to why Burnett surrendered, Detective Stanley said, "The only explanation he's offered is that he woke up this morning feeling unsupportable guilt over his acts of violence."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Platinum eggshells a work of art?

(Vancouver, BC) Officials at Canada Place are mystified by the discovery of a number of metallic 'eggshells' in what looks like an ordinary seagull's nest.

"We come upon nests from time to time and there are bits of shell in them, but the weird thing is, these are metal," said Eli Sycazlyk, one of the convention center's maintenance workers. "I thought they were silver at first but they had them examined by a jeweler and apparently they're platinum."

Sycazlyk thinks the shells may be part of an art installation, perhaps as a tie-in to the upcoming Winter Olympics in 2010.

Monday, July 6, 2009

King of the Cats myth found misprinted in textbooks across America

Teachers and publishers alike have been baffled by a mysterious misprint found in textbooks arriving in schools across the country.

"Page seventeen of our new Western History text has been replaced with a two-page story about a dead cat," says Irma Janzen, principal of the Westchester County High in Boston. "By itself, that might not be so strange, but we have a new math book from a completely different publisher, and the story appears there too, also on page seventeen." Janzen is just one of hundreds of school administrators who have called in staff from summer vacation to open and examine new texts before classes begin in September. To date, over twenty books in a variety of subjects have been affected.

William Beale, Vice President of Marketing for InStep Publishing, who published three of the tampered books, is convinced the misprint is the work of computer hackers. "This is going to turn out to be high school or maybe college students pulling a sophisticated prank. Unfortunately, it is also a serious crime. As publishers, we are obligated to recall and replace the altered books. The cost of this high-tech vandalism could run in the millions."

When asked why students would choose an obscure myth like King of the Cats as opposed to something political or perhaps pornographic, Beale said, "Who knows?"

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Street Preacher's Doomsday Sign blamed for rash of heart attacks

(Dayton, OH) A sign reading "The End is Nigh" was confiscated and its homeless owner arrested yesterday after heart attacks caused four people to collapse on the corners of East Monument Avenue and Main Street in Dayton.

"I read the sign and thought 'Oh my God, what if he's right?'" said Trish MacLean, speaking from her hospital bed at the St. Elizabeth's Medical Center. "I absolutely panicked. I was convinced the world was ending."

MacLean is reported to be in stable condition, but three other victims were not so lucky. Herbert Fraser, Desmond Crane and Malak Chang, all of Dayton, succumbed to cardiac failure shortly after collapsing on the same corner. Chang, the fourth victim, told paramedics on the scene that reading the sign had caused him to experience 'extreme terror' shortly before his collapse.

Dayton police say the sign was confiscated and its owner, a street preacher known merely as Righteous Joe, has been detained and questioned. "It's a perfectly ordinary sandwich board and he's been carrying it around for years," she said. "However, we have sent the sandwich board to the Centers for Disease Control and we will be attempting to ascertain Righteous Joe's identity before releasing him."

Asked if the rash of heart attacks could be in any way linked to the sign or its owner, spokesperson added, "It is far more likely that this is either a coincidence or perhaps an example of mass hysteria."

Friday, June 12, 2009

Hundreds of ducks appeared "from nowhere"

The late appearance of a large flock of gray ducks with no wildlife tags or previous known history in Point Barrow, Alaska, has wildlife officials and biologists puzzled... especially now that preliminary studies show the ducks have remarkable genetic similarities among the all-female flock.

Anonymous sources claim that a number of the ducks, whose blood was sampled as part of a wider study, may have the same DNA--that they may be clones, in other words.

Wildlife and Agriculture officials have declined to offer comment or speculate as to the flock's origins, but an ornithologist at the University of Alaska in Fairbanks suggests that the birds may have escaped or been released from a cloning lab in the Pacific Northwest. "The first sightings of this flock took place in the Vancouver, Washington area; they were headed south from somewhere in Oregon or California."

The sources went on to claim that two animal-rights organizations in Oregon have attempted to claim responsibility for the release, but neither has been able to specify where the birds originated.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Lethewood to give preliminary statement

After almost three months in custody, Astrid Lethewood, one of the survivors of this summer's mystical outbreak in Oregon, has consented to give authorities a statement about the events preceding the hostage crisis at her Indigo Springs home earlier this year.

Rumors have abounded as to whether Lethewood has been suffering from some form of trauma-induced mental illness or if she has been deliberately withholding information about cult leader Sahara Knax, the self-proclaimed goddess and founder of the eco-terrorist Alchemite movement who triggered the mystical outbreak during the hostage crisis. It is hoped that Lethewood's cooperation will bring answers to some of the questions about Knax's magical abilities and the ongoing mutation of plants and wildlife in the Hell's Gate area of Oregon.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Age of Miracles... or End of Days?

Age of Miracles... or End of Days?

Millions watched on television as the mundane tragedy of a hostage crisis in the town of Indigo Springs turned into something worse... much worse. But what really happened in Oregon this summer? All most of us know is that "magic," once the province of fairy tales and big-budget motion pictures, is now an undeniable reality. Giant wasps attacked police lines at the site of the hostage crisis as a woman escaped on a flying carpet. Later, earthquakes shattered the town's buildings. When the trees began to grow to impossible heights throughout the town, dozens went missing; of the thousands of survivors who fled from their homes in time, none has been able to return. The town of Indigo Springs remains enclosed and inaccessible within its mystical forest.

Is the woman known as Sahara Knax really a goddess, as her followers claim, or is she merely an opportunistic cult leader, a master manipulator capitalizing on a catastrophe, but one not of her making? Knax has taken credit for triggering the so-called "ecological Apocalypse," allegedly to warn a careless human race to mend our Earth-polluting ways. Can she really lead us to a cleaner, brighter future, or is something more ominous at work in the Western United States?