Sunday, September 27, 2009

Knax, followers, suspected in Oregon Grape Theft

Bend, OR--Fifty tons of mystically contaminated grapes that were slated for incineration have disappeared from Volcano Vineyards Winery in Bend.

The grapes were taken from a locked cellar late Saturday night. No staff or security were injured in the incident, but one Volcano winemaker is known to be missing, fueling rumors that the grapes were hijacked as part of an attempt to make mystically contaminated vintages of wine.

Multiple sightings of women matching the descriptions of fugitive Sahara Knax and an associate known only Passion were reported in the Bend area in the days before the theft.

Sahara Knax was involved in the original outbreak of mystical energy in the town of Indigo Springs and is now described as being "profoundly" contaminated, with birdlike characteristics including a beak, pinfeathers and growths on her back (which have been described by witnesses as "winglike.") Like other victims of the mystical outbreak, Knax is thought to be also suffering from delusions, and has convinced an unknown number of Americans that she may be a goddess, a living embodiment of the spirit of the Earth. Blog posts and online communities have variously hailed her as "the first prophet of the Millennium," "An Avenging Angel of the Ecological Movement," and an eco-terrorist. Her followers, some of whom refer to themselves as Alchemites, say that the working magic is a holy act, and is the key to reversing global climate change.

In the meantime, Oregon winemakers south and west of the town of Indigo Springs have suffered millions of dollars of damage to their vineyards. Windborne contamination has caused some vines to grow rapidly and necessitated the burning of acres of arable land, while alchemically contaminated bears have destroyed much of the healthy crops remaining on the vine.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Mystical contamination spreads...

Sixteen people were apprehended by health officials this morning and put in quarantine after they tested positive for mystical contamination, say anonymous sources within the CDC.

The individuals, mostly residents of Indigo Springs, Oregon, were not evacuated with the majority of the townspeople. Most had escaped in the confusion after the original mystical outbreak, and were staying with relatives and friends near the contaminated zone.

Indigo Springs was evacuated on August 31st after a so-called "magical event" caused a series of earthquakes centered in the small town. The quakes occurred as police were negotiating a hostage crisis in a local home. Following the quakes, the trees and other plant life surrounding the beseiged home grew to giant size. Animals and insects, also enlarged, attacked police and National Guard troops who were on-scene trying to resolve the crisis.

Some analysts have likened the events in Indigo Springs to a magical equivalent of the 1986 Cherynobyl disaster. As in 1986, the town and surrounding area have been fully evacuated and the area has been closed to human habitation for the foreseeable future. However, dozens of people from the town are still missing. They are presumed to be either dead, contaminated, or trapped within the overgrown forest surrounding the former town.

The CDC is asking Americans to report any suspicious behavior or possible contamination among their friends and loved ones. Victims of mystical contamination are said to behave in a disordered, delusional fashion and may present with physical changes as well, most notably fur, horns, and claws. One such victim, Sahara Knax of Boston, Massachusetts, has claimed responsibility for the outbreak, and says that similar accidents will occur if human society does not move to a carbon-neutral footing immediately.

Knax remains at large, and is considered extremely dangerous.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Fishermen fight off "monster" in Puget Sound

The six-person crew of the Pass-Me-By sailed to the rescue yesterday after a mystically contaminated monster capsized a speedboat in Puget Sound.

"It looked a little like a seal to me," said Freddie Singh, skipper of the the Pass-Me-By, a small fishing boat. "It had two heads and it had to be at least twenty feet long, but the shape of its body and the color of its fur . . . it was like a seal in a lot of ways."

Singh's crew bravely put their own boat between the creature and the speedboat, protecting newlyweds Thomas and Sarah Ward. Singh had a shotgun and a pistol aboard and the Pass-Me-By crew shot the monster several times.

"It disappeared underwater and we hauled the Wards aboard. Then we got out of there fast."

The body of the seal-like creature was found early the next morning, near Seattle, and quarantined by officials from the U.S. Navy. Anonymous sources indicate the corpse was on the beach for several hours, however, and may have contaminated a significant number of gulls, crabs and other coastal life.

Puget Sound has been hard hit by the alchemical contamination which spread west from Indigo Springs, Oregon in the past week and sightings of this particular monster had been reported several times since Monday .